Fontidious

Frankie, Johnny, and myself are going to tip a cow.

When did myself start being used as a substitute for me (or I)?
The Urban Dictionary defines “myself” as an idiot’s substitution for the words “me” or “I”.

For those idiots, who are surely not reading this blog, the simple solution is to think about what you’d say if you were the only one in that sentence.
I am going to tip a cow.
Frankie, Johnny, and I are going to tip a cow.

Just before you go pick up your partners in crime, you read the Huffington Post.
According to research from the University of British Columbia, simple physics suggests the force of a single person is hardly enough to cause a standing cow to topple over. Using Newton’s Second Law, they found that not one or two, but at least five people would be needed to exert enough force to push over a cow.

Now you’re thinking, I need help.
[Frankie, Johnny, and] I need help.
(Seriously. Professional help.)

You’re going to need at least two more people willing to risk the wrath of PETA, so you call Harriet. Harriet is a strapping lass. And she has a rather hefty mom.
“Harriet, can you and your mother come help [Frankie, Johnny, and] me?”

Frankie, Johnny, Harriet, her burly mom, and I go to jail.

Myriad.

Such a pretty word. Sadly, misused myriad times.

Many, people. It means MANY.
[Technically, it means ten thousand, but let’s not go there.]

Would you say, “I have worn my underpants inside out a many of times”?
Of course not! You would not admit to something like that, would you?

In one of my other lives I’m a yoga teacher. But because I’m also a fontidious perfectionist, I was horrified to learn that I’ve been misusing lie and lay in my classes.

I had been saying, “Let’s lay down on the floor.” The schoolteachers in my class were undoubtedly thinking, “What is it that she wants us to lay on the floor? Each other?”

So unless you want to create a spectacle of yourself, you lie down on the floor.

Public humiliation. Nothing like it to help one remember the correct usage.

Here’s the short version of how to remember this: you lie down. You also may lie, but that’s your problem. If you’re placing an object, you lay it down.

Grammar Girl and other websites go into detail about present tense, past tense, and past participles. You should go read them. Do that before you lie down.

My smart and funny botch makes up words. Really brilliant words. Sometimes she inspires me, too, and sometimes our texts make up words when we’re not looking (e.g., botch. As in, “Where’s your party at, botch?”)

She was the one who coined the term fontidious (fastidious about fonts) after I went off on our other peep over his (in my opinion) misuse of italics.
(see also fonticular: particular about fonts)

Here are some others:

• Fuzzidue: the line of dust left over after you sweep stuff into the dustpan
• Slugma: the trail left by a slug
• Stupendify: “I had a great idea this morning. It’ll be a big seller. I’ll be on Oprah. I’ll make a million dollars!!”
• Badnification: taking such a negative view of whatever is happening that an average event has now become a significant problem (antonym: stupendification)
• Perfectionalysis (perfection + paralysis): the inability to begin a project caused by the fear that whatever you’re about to do won’t be perfect
• Crapsmanship: what happens when *I* try to build something
• Factulator: one who spews facts
• Boraborating: elaborating in an extremely boring way
• Horrorscope: what I read each morning, so I will be ready for the impending disasters of the day
• Frilliant: freakin’ brilliant

Brilliant design by Tom Gabor, http://tomgabor.com/i-shot-the-serif/

Don’t forget, designers use bullets.

I often wonder who patient zero was.

I imagine that some lowly shopkeeper went out to paint “Bananas $3” on his sign, and was stricken with an uncontrollable urge to add an apostrophe. And soon his banana was the proud owner of $3. Not to be outdone, his rival down the street advertised “Banana’s 2 Dollar’s.” Then someone from the town full of affluent bananas went on a trip, carrying the contagion with him. “Train’s Departing Every 5 Minute’s.”

The pandemic had begun.